The Kiss (Lovers), Gustav Klimt, oil and gold leaf on canvas, , 1907–1908.
“Behind every shallow sexual interaction, there hides a person who does not want to see or be seen at a deeper level.”
Reading time: 30 mins
Before we continue exploring the vital role of simplifying and economising through attention to sexual energy let’s take a brief detour into the brain and the spaghetti junction of incessant thoughts.
An enormous amount of energy is expended in thinking deeply about a subject and still more when our thoughts are a product of stress and anxiety. Factor in low-grade fantasy and you have a major energy drain in the mind-body system. With such a breach, our perception, impressions – what we give out and receive – and ability to think critically is seriously impaired by subjective evaluations, warped still further by defensive mechanisms and stagnant beliefs.
The brain is a big, jelly-like battery making up 2 per cent of our body weight. Even at rest, this incredible hub gobbles up a whopping 20% of the body’s energy.  It’s long been known that the brain uses more energy than any other human organ, – up to 20 per cent of the body’s total output., with two-thirds of that energy used to help neurons or nerve cells “fire” the remaining third devoted to general “housekeeping,” and cell-health maintenance. 
Each has a small voltage 70 millivolts or 0.07 volts. That may not seem much when compared to the 1.5 volts of a AA battery or the 115 volts from a wall socket, but at the microscopic scale, which is where it functions, it’s pretty impressive. In fact, when you take into account that the brain is made of 80 billion neurological batteries each of which contains four times the electrostatic force that normally results in lightning during a thunderstorm. 
Our brains pack a powerful punch.
And when the procreative urge gets in on the act, usually as a form of grounding all that “electrostatic” tension, then a massive explosion of neurochemicals occurs at the point of climax. Sexual saiety is the result – or offspring.
The point is, this is a major “charge” which has a major downside and may not only be exhausting your physiological responses and your nervous system but re-wiring the neurology of the brain toward habituation. We become addicts to what is a very narrow mental and biological mechanism rationalised by the intellect, fuelled by ignorance.
This gives a rather chilling nugget of truth to both the movie The Matrix (1999) as well as organic life as “food for the moon” does it not?
Which is why the brain needs all the help it can get to function optimally.
So, before we tackle the Wolly Mammoth in the room that is sexual energy, we can at least reduce the overcharged “inputs” to our system from everyday life so that we don’t have any extra micro-drains interfering with our lifestyle change to simplify, conserve and economise.
And that means pushing the “off” button on the excessive use of technology.
A digital detox has already proven to be highly beneficial for many people. They have better relationships, better social skills, greater physical and mental health and are generally more productive. This is not a great shock since a 3 out of 5 people prefer to spend time with their gadgets than their partners and 83 per cent of American teenagers play video games while other people are in the same room while 92% go online daily.    
A diet of celebratory narcissism from male and female models showing off their bodies and dashing about from one luxury pad to another tends to draw unconscious parallels which have implications for self-esteem and dissatisfaction levels. Whether it is from a smartphone or laptop, the emotions artificially induced are a massive drain on the brain and body causing loneliness, depression, anxiety and a host of other neuroses which make social interaction away from one’s own bubble increasingly difficult. (Have a look at Antonie Geiger‘s work illustrating how technology is distancing us from our bodies, overloading our brains and “stealing our souls.” and my series on social media).
It’s no surprise therefore that so many of us are exhausted and depressed when attempting to tackle life and its challenges. The ubiquity of gadgets and their social media content is probably one of the biggest reasons that simplicity and economising energy remains out of reach. The brain voltage and biochemicals are off the scale but the energetic nutrient quota is nowhere to be seen. Being tired all the time isn’t necessarily due to a lack of sleep or diet, though these usually feature as well. But if you are psychologically healthy then the brain and body can cope with moderate levels of stress and even thrive on it. Physical fatigue can be a sign of:
- Anemia. Check your iron levels and supplement if necessary. (The is mostly for women).
- Hyperthyrodism. Underactive or overactive can produce chronic fatigue, feeling unsually cold and hair loss. See your doctor and explore complimentary medicine. (Mostly for women).
- Not drinking enough water. An enormous amount of our physical ailments come from inadequate hydration.
- Chronic busy-ness as an avoidance dynamic. Workaholic? Dig deep to find out why.
- Consuming too many sugary drinks, refined carbs and MacDonald’s coffee. This cocktail stuffs up your endocrine system and can eventually lead to diabetes.
- A sedentary lifestyle. Get outdoors as much as possible and reconnect with Nature.
- Not enough good quality sleep and sleeping at the wrong time. (Try this and this. And if you’re chained to your laptop like me, check out f.lux
- Food allergies/sensitivities. You might be gluten/wheat intolerant for instance. See what you’re like by removing such foods from your diet.
There are so many reasons and all the above can have a dramatic effect on your energy levels. If you add all that to a brain that is under attack from an overactive intellectual centre then overload is inevitable. If too much stress and an emerging depression and anxiety dominate, then you need to re-visit Heal Your Past and preceding posts. Sort your past out, address how your emotions are feeling out your environment and get to a point where all your energy is available for proper use.
The above can be summarised as finding ourselves on a “dopamine induced loop” Keep in mind that our thinking, memory and brain is directly related to dopamine activity. But we can make it work for us in beneficial ways by increasing its output along a healthy motavational pathway, rather than just hitting that same ‘button’ time after time. For example, to have a good working memory with lots of “brain food” memory training exercises creates order and structure as well as a positive schedule for dopamine release. It also brings visible changes in the number of dopamine receptors in the brain as any constructive set of formulas will do. More on dopamine presently.
How to economise, conserve and thereby lay the groundwork for simplicity has been covered in preceding posts. We will explore the mental sphere more in subsequent posts in relation to meditation, relaxation, breathing and the awareness of cognitive processes and the like. Meantime, there are a few points we can touch on here.
In our overstimulated world of constant information, we can try to simplify and economise what enters our mind. We’ll look more at this as we proceed through the 31, but meantime a few pointers:
- Cut back and reduce your exposure to movies, TV and radio. These are all highly hypnotic and riven with auto-suggestive cues which do nothing for the peace of mind. Such exposure and may even exacerbate and accentuate unconscious negative thought patterns. If you must have your daily quota reduce it as much as possible and be selective.
Regarding emails and social media, time management and simplicity creates order. Go for a digital detox as soon as you can. According to a recent article in adopting a “low-information diet” we need to:
- Develop a ranking system for your inbox. Most email servers have various functions to help you do this.
- Keep your social media feeds clean. Seek only data that benefits you. Expunge all irrelevant content which feeds only fantasy and wastes your time. It’s too easy to get hooked on click-bait and the usual garbage of infotainment.
- Schedule your data usage. Develop a time for social media and emails during the day. Be strict about this otherwise, you waste hours and further clog up your brain with useless information and the likelihood of extra stress.
- Shut down your i-phone, tablet, kindle etc. at least an hour before you hit the sack. Your mind needs time to settle down from information overload. (I’m particularly bad at this…So, I’m currently working on breaking a decade long habit of working into the early hours accompanied by a large pot of coffee!)
If we gain control of our chaotic, circular thoughts that use up so much energy we can conserve it for use within our own system as opposed to the primal forces in which we are immersed. The brain needs a break, so cut it some slack once in a while.
It may also be true that all this frenetic overstimulation and our allegiance to it is a product of depleted sexual energy (which flows through all the centres of the mind-body) and your mind is telling you to get that hit until the next sex or “love-making” session.
Which brings us that arrow right back to a little fat urchin called Cupid.
Although most people spend their entire lives following the biological impulse, it is only a tiny proportion of our beings. If we remain obsessed with seeds and eggs, we are married to the fertile reproductive valley of the Mysterious Mother but not to her immeasurable heart and all-knowing mind. […] If you wish to unite with her heart and mind, you must integrate yin and yang within and refine their fire upward. Then you have the power to merge with the whole being of the Mysterious Mother. This is what is known as true evolution.
Hua Hu Ching: The Unknown Teachings of Lao Tzu by Brian Walker
Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow
If the biggest drain on our inner resources is sex, and our mind is under a constant barrage of technological and emotional demands how might we not only wrest back those resources but still enjoy a more erotic romp along the way?
In order to understand the solutions to that conundrum we need to realise that the problem isn’t the need or the act of sex, rather, it is the conflict between our evolutionary biology and our natural quest to pair-bond. We’ve been created and conditioned as addicts in our skins by living in an orgasm-centred culture which creates enormous conflict when these two bio-mechanisms compete.
Of course, the dynamics of failure in relationships have many causes, but the lack of information regarding these two drivers has caused untold damage to unions and the desire for true intimacy. This misinformation about our sexual energy – unintentional and intentional – is probably a more important cause of divorce, separation and dysfunction then early childhood experiences.
What if there were another way that allows us to conserve energy and is simple, economical but remains sensually satisfying?
Good news. There is.
The “bad” news: orgasm doesn’t feature…
(Shrieks of horror)
…But intercourse does…
We’ll get to how this works later on.
This is a particularly hard sell for men since many of us are programmed to pursue potential sexual opportunities and to have that mating-mechanism primed for sixth gear. As we will see, for those interested in living authentic lives, sexual energy has to be viewed and channelled in a very different way if we are to make headway in world antagonistic to true growth.
But first, we have to explore why we are in such a complex pickle when it comes to enjoying the nourishing simplicity sexual love can provide.
There are many influences which can and do interfere with our ability to receive and maintain a harmonious relationship, first within ourselves, secondly with others and finally with someone to whom we are attracted. We routinely underestimate the power of social engineering from Official Culture and conditioning received from childhood. However, it is the biological drives married to cultural norms which see The Grand Master Orgasm as the defining aim of sexual activity and loving relations. Apparently, there’s even a National Orgasm Day encouraging us to get out there and get off. And if you can’t do that then there’s always the $15 billion vibrator market and “spiritual sex for one” that will take care of any obstacles to self-pleasuring.
Yet, increasing evidence suggests that such a focus promotes failure in our serious relationships and quite possibly contributes to a range of mental illness, peversion and pathologies.
Aside from drugs, the brain gets the biggest explosion of neurochemicals possible when orgasm erupts, the effects of which change your internal biochemistry and by extension, your physiology and emotional state. These effects can last for weeks and can influence not only our close relationships but our very perception of the world.
The holy grail of sensation has come to define Western society in stark contrast to many other cultures of the ancient and more recent past. These sacred texts taught that a moderate amount of sex and abstinence from sexual orgasm was a way to limit energy loss and the weakening of our mind-body system. Knowledge of the energy system and the right use of sexual energy formed the tantric traditions and the later unfortunate offshoots of occult sex magick. As we discovered in the last post, science is rapidly catching up with the ancient practitioners of energy economy.
What is clear from our genetic heritage is that it makes no sense at all to put all your sperm on one ovum so to speak – a diverse portfolio of females to impregnate is key to species survival. Similarly, a female would have much more likelihood of a genetically strong male to provide security and a suitable lineage if there were many males to choose from, even though one would have to be singled out for some serious bonding to keep him there. Genes care nothing for the finer emotions and social ettiquette pertaining to love, morality, ethics and conscience. Genes are a program that just wants to run and it will do so anyway which way it can; it is raw evolutionary survival. Hence we have the competition of two bio-mechanisms, the clash of which is often titanic.
“Think about it. If you’re designing a species and you want to make sure it does things that are crucial for survival – like eating and producing – you create a system that’s all about pleasure so it wants to repeat those things. Then you have dopamine make those behaviours become automatic. It’s brilliant really.”
— Nora Volkow, Director of the National Institute On Drug Abuse
The Dopamine King-Pin Of Pleasure (& Pain?)
It is the powerhouse neurotransmitter dopamine (yet again) that lies at the heart of this explosive genetic drive. This biochemical can trigger both positive and negative aspects, like almost everything else. Although dopamine was once thought to be solely in charge of the reward circuitry of the brain this is no longer true; its role is much more comprehensive. It is involved in thinking, moving, sleeping, mood, attention, motivation, seeking and reward. It is about seeking behaviour which can include sex and food but also more cerebral, abstract concepts and goals.
But it plays a critical role in reward and motivation and is key when it comes to the biochemical part to sexual activity. If our motivation is stimulated by our level of awareness then our rewards will follow based on that trajectory. Dopamine will help or hinder us depending on what type and density of dopamine receptors we have together with the core motivation, unconscious desires and cultural conditioning. It is the wanting itself and the “grass is greener” momentum that dopamine injects rather than the gratification itself. It’s climbing aboard the train rather than the destination.
If dopamine enhances the anticipation and expectation of pleasure it’s not too difficult to see why this can be part of an exhausting “dopamine loop” into which we become trapped. firing the train with greater and greater fuel leading to addiction. This is where sexual energy usurps proper functioning of our emotional, intellectual and instinctive/moving centres leading to the train tracks (the energy meridians/nervous system) becoming worn, wobbly and dangerous to the whole network.
Dopamine and procreative sex can work in tandem when your rational brain is still parked in the station receiving proper instruction and the correct speed and mapping. etc. The unexpected and compelling signals intense novelty to our mammalian mating-mechanism which is, as we know hard to resist, even when fear or pain might be looming. And when we get hooked by what we think is romantic love the reward circuits kick in and our genetic push to procreate. So we then leave the station at top speed without proper safeguards.
That doesn’t mean we can’t love our partner and build a life. The key is how to transform that initial psycho-biological “match” into something truly emotionally satisfying for both parties in the long-term – even to the point of spiritual harmony. For that, we need to understand our machines and comprehend the role of sexual energy that flows through its constituent parts.
Our whole culture – from economics to twitter rants – is based on appeasing that reward circuitry and managing the sexual energy that is the ocean in which all our body-mind is floating. That circuitry is also where we fall in and out of “love” and tricks us into believing that an affair with the girl at the office is a great thing when the passion has hit zero in our marriage. Hey! procreative possibilities at the water cooler!
You can see what a vital role this dopaminergic mind plays in our day to day lives and most especially regarding our feelings and emotions. Our emotional life can be entirely dominated by the anticipatory demands of how we can ensure the next “hit” when we lost in an addictive loop of dopamine excess or depletion. The ideal he is a neutral, balanced state – not too much, not too little so that this biochemical is released in harmonising quantities.
That equilibrium is easily displaced and the endocrine system of which it is a part will begin to reflect the misuse of sexual energy when it comes to higher emotion and the bonding intimacy that so many yearn to achieve. Contentment is a return to a balanced dopamine sensitivity. And if we reach a point where extreme dopamine levels (either too much or too little) is the norm then self-medication from substance abuse to using others in vampiric ways is the result.
“It seems that our genes have chosen another way of making sure human emotional bonds don’t jeopardize the potential for even greater genetic success: reoccurring draining feelings of uneasiness and resentment. These, in turn, leave us vulnerable to groundless irritation, hypersensitivity to sexual cues, discouragement and weakening emotional bonds. Could our post-orgasmic feelings also be reflected in our lives as draining conditions, such as heavy menstruation and compulsive masturbation?”
— Marnia Robinson, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow
Burning up Love
We are mammals when it comes to our genetic makeup and potentially spiritual beings in our quest for beauty, truth and intimacy. Very few mammals pair-bond yet we persist in pairing off according to religio-cultural traditions which may or may not be the most constructive way to deal with this conflict. No mammals are sexually exclusive. We are pushed to prepare a groundswell of biochemical incentives which is counter to the ideals of monogamous relationships. (More on that when we explore love in a future post).
One thing we do know, is that frequent, orgasmic-focused sex with your loved one (or unloved one for that matter) will likely tip the scale toward distance, separation and failure because it depletes your energy reserves, including the initial bonding tie set up through physiological attraction and the emotional connection that went with it. Instead, this drain promotes habituation instead of novelty and creativity. This erodes intimacy over time and sets up sexual energy to be dissonant between two minds and bodies. The circuit of nourishing exchange is broken even before it has time to be grooved. It’s not for nothing that Tibetan Buddhists referred to orgasm as “the killing of the inner Buddha.”
If two instruments are out of tune it produces dissonance and a resulting incompatible ‘frequency resonance vibration.’ So, other ways must be found to reclaim that energy so that you are “in-tune”. The tuning fork it seems is non-orgasmic sex which activates the pair bonding circuitry more and more strongly over time. The emphasis is on mutual exchange and all manner of activities – not just sex – that continually strengthens your love bond and satisfies a couple’s needs, instead of it being weakened over time. And when the energy isn’t there to reinforce a genuine love, the “tears” in that tie become bigger and that’s when even trivial irritations loom larger than they should.
During the honeymoon phase of the neurochemical smorgasborg then habituation isn’t a problem since a mutual energy exchange is flowing strongly, perhaps for two years of the relationship. Once that oft-repeated threshold is reached and you’ve been pounding away like jack-rabbits all that time – an orgasm-focused expression of love has taken over and the tank is already depleted. Dopamine crops up again here as the Big Daddy hormone that pushes you to hit that orgasm button again and again. Habituation for diminishing returns only makes our genetic demands kick all the more by seeking “novelty,” even if that is the stereotypical male “hunk” and female “babe”. That says fertilisation potential. From the gene poolside – sexual fidelity is irrelevant.
“The tighter you squeeze, the less you have.”
— Zen Saying
Most mammals get it on in the most frenzied sessions of coupling that astounds even the most seasoned biologist. This is the signal to get satisfied and move on to the next batch. So, why should it be any different for many couples who dive into an overly sexual attraction that drives the chemicals and is partially at least, mistaken for a surfeit of love? The potential for emotional love may be there but if sexual energy (which fuels ALL the centres) becomes so depleted there’s nothing left over for the bonds of love to grow stronger. Which is why friendships and family relations seem to endure. The emotional-sexual burnout potential obviously isn’t there.
And if you get less and less of a “hit” from orgasmic sex due to habituation then you’ll likely seek other ways to achieve it signalling a further drain on resources and potential trouble for a relationship. There is insufficient bonding energy left to keep the relationship afloat. And if not enough attention was given to the emotional and mental centres of attraction, with powerful instinctual/moving centred attraction hogging all the energy and giving the illusion of a whole mind-body “love,” then the rapidity of a separation or divorce is even greater.
Cultivating attachment and bonding behaviours can enrich a relationship by fostering oxytocin (the bonding chemical) conserving energy and re-routing it to increase intimacy. The result will be a stronger connection between partners, more tenderness, better communication, less stress, more energy and more balance in life overall. And what’s more this type of sex is sound ecology for your body and mind because it is sustainable.
As the partnership grows longer women’s sexual desire decreases, so too men’s capacity for tenderness. The drive to exhaust sexual desire plays a huge part in this mutual decline. Sexual satisfaction through purely procreative sex isn’t the bonding strategy we thought it was and actually shifts a couples perception of each other in negative ways. It moves both individuals into a depleted energy store which can only be filled up – albeit temporarily – by another mate with more procreative potential. It is our evolutionary bio-mechanism calling the shots and leaving what could have been a mutually nourishing love in the dust. Meanwhile, so many of us habituate to relationships where the spark has gone out or move from the same pattern of sexually-compatible and emotionally incompatible liaisons and relationships that never seem to give what each partner yearns for.
“…Orgasm seemed to have an addictive quality to it. Once passion was ignited, it tended to rage until it burned itself out naturally. As the flames diminished, both of us instinctively used passion to try and restore the intensity of our connection. That actually sped up the flattening of sexual desire between us.”
— Marnia Robinson, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow
Before you hold your head in your hands in despair and refuse to imagine good ‘ole raw animal sex without the orgasm you feel you merit – hold your horses a moment. If you have a biological mechanism and a new method for cultivating sexual energy that serves you and/or your partner and which could assist in your self-growth and development…Why would you not take advantage of it?
If you are married, living with someone or about to feverishly swipe through yet another meat-market selection care of Tinder, it wouldn’t do any harm to ponder a little experimentation with your loved one. (Or if you don’t have one then that can come later.) Building up your sex energy reserves might just mean the difference between joining the expanding statistical rates of separation and divorce or rekindling energy that could harmonise your life so that you can give, receive and ignite a love that lasts.
Former corporate lawyer turned sex consultant, Marnia Robinson is the author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow (2009). She summarises what we need to understand if we are not to burn out our sex circuits and diminish the potential for genuine love:
“Fertilization-driven sex is for procreation. Climax launches sperm to meet an egg. In contrast, bonding-based sex has harmony and well-being as its primary objectives. Both methods entail intercourse to ease sexual tension effectively. Fertil[i]zation-driven sex achieves this goal with a neurochemical crash followed by a surprisingly slow return to homeostasis (that is, pre-orgasm balance). Bonding-based sex eases sexual tension via gentle intercourse mingled with deep relaxation and lots of soothing affection, leading to refreshing feelings of satisfaction and lingering equilibrium.” 
In our bid to stay together, unaware of the complex mix of bio-mechanisms and social and cultural cues, we ironically do the very things that eventually push us apart. This starts with what Robinson calls “The Passion Cycle.”:
“Orgasm sets in motion a cascade of programmed neurochemical events, which may continue for approximately two weeks. They change how we feel and how we perceive the world around us, especially a mate. They can speed habituation. Changed feelings may be subtle and take many forms, such as irritability, cravings for orgasm, fuzzy thinking, emotional neediness, overreactions and fatigue. As the mammalian brain triggers habituation, the rational brain generates rationalizations for incompatibility. The passion cycle can activate the amygdala’s stress response, causing us to misperceive a partner as a threat.” 
In the ensuing post-coital hangover we blame each other for a largely biologically-driven change in feelings, the bitterness and resentment of which can spiral out of control. An urge to get away from the men and feeling clingy, jealous or a drive to change the partner from the women are some of the fallout symptoms. Robinson states: “post-orgasmic feelings can make a mate’s endearing habits look like annoying flaws.” She also pinpoints the irony that “…an effective tool for harmony and more balanced perception should be veiled by our most compelling urge: the urge to quench our sexual thirst.”  
How many folks do you know who “fall in love” through sleeping with each other on the first or second date because of a maximum physical and emotional attraction; to have fantastic sex and stratospheric ecstasy only to acrimoniously part ways a year or two years down the line?
But what about all those apparently happy couples who have been together for years? What are they getting right with seemingly little effort? Robinson has found that a surprising amount of couples make compromises and adaptations which amount to different forms of separation from intimacy, sometimes subtle but always a strategy to cope with a changing relationship and deflecting the world of the unknown.
How many couples do we know, especially in later life who are now “friends” linked by affection and even a residual love, but bound by financial worries, a force of habit and fear of change than any real wish to stay together? Quite a few I’d wager.
If you are one of those whose relationship is still full of love and stability then you are the exception to the rule. I think Robinson hits the nail on the head when she began to wonder “…if the challenge in intimate relationships was not whom we marry but rather how we make love.”  Another reason perhaps, why marriage guidance counsellors seldom keep couples together.
To change from what is essentially a perfomance-driven, often porn-influenced yeah-yeah-baby sex is challenging. It can’t happen overnight. But the dividends for practising this more subtle form of love-making are immense. Given that one in three people are divorced after the third year of marriage I think we need all the help we can get. And if you are single and happy that way it’s still possible to gain benefit from this knowledge. Or perhaps you single and receptive to a long-term commitment then it will be an even more important part of your bid to simplify and economise.
The Grand Master Orgasm
“Our distant ancestors weren’t battered in all fronts with abnormally stimulating triggers goading them to binge on food or sex and throw their subconscious decision-making circuitry out of kilter. Sure, they liked orgasm and high-calorie treats as much as we do, but their less abundant lifestyles dictated a degree of restraint that we cannot count on to regulate our neurochemistry.”
— Marnia Robinson, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow
This isn’t about judgement or condemnation. It’s about seeking the biggest return for our energy buck, not just for ourselves, but for those we love and have yet to love. It may very well mean the difference between a life of boundless creativity and ability to apply it in practical loving ways, or a life that never quite seems fulfilling – or worse, become downright miserable, full of resentment and bitterness.
The right use of sexual energy underlies most – if not all – our problems and therefore the solutions.
Similarly, it may not be the loss of actual semen or fluid/energy for women that is the source of energy depletion but the habit of reaching orgasm which places too much strain on the nervous system in the same way any addiction erodes mental, emotional and immune system integrity. It is this mating/craving form of sex which eventually weakens the subtle channels which cultivate love and the nourishment that comes with it.
“The orgasm is an explosion of energy that escapes from the conductors that should manage it. That overcharge spills out of the sexual organs, out of the chakras, and into the surrounding ganglia, into the nadis. This is why people experience tremors, shaking, vibrations, involuntary shudders, shouts, screams, etc: the energy of Eden is racing through the nervous systems. We think it is “pleasurable,” because the root energy is from Eden (bliss), but what we do not realize is that a short circuit destroys the conductor. That is, the orgasm destroys the nervous system, gradually.
This is why people who have a lot of sex, gradually lose their sexual power. People who repeat the orgasm gradually lose the ability to have it. They become impotent or become indifferent to sex because their energetic centers become burned out. Now, this is why everybody takes chemicals to stimulate their sex drive. This is why pornography became so popular, because it is an artificial stimulation for the sexual energy. This is also why people move towards more and more extreme sexual interests, because the areas that stimulated them previously become “burned out.” 
One has to admit, given the state of our culture at the moment, this is exactly what can be seen in the western world. We are collectively in a state of “burn out” by either having too much of the wrong kind of sex which delivers more pain and frustration that far exceeds the “honeymoon” glut of “falling in love,”or terminally frustrated that we aren’t getting enough of the same pathway to an illusory bliss. The resulting resentment is a potent driver of ideological extremism as a way to claw back meaning and purpose. Our culture is continually overstimulating our genes under the guise that it’s “natural” and “healthy” when it is the very thing that is driving us apart and contributing to an array of dysfunctional and depressive results.
For this is about perception as much as physiological depletion. The “liquid” gold of the male and the receptive fluids of the female are continually released without any meaning or purpose other than gratification – even if between a loving partner – has a direct bearing on our ability to emote, think and act in constructive ways. When energy is used incorrectly and we are addicted to the very process that we imagine should replenish our supplies, the whole mind-body matrix experiencing a steady decline in functionality. The inability to think objectively is a key casualty. And that has a direct relationship to how easily we can be manipulated in our relationships and by those with their knowledge of psycho-biological trigger points. Think propaganda, ideology and the level of discernment needed to sift the wheat from the chaff.
All this means we have to approach sexual energy in an entirely different way. Having a surplus of sexual – thus emotional, intellectual and physical – energy immediately triggers our mammalian mating programs to slip into a cathartic release depriving ourselves of the opportunity to convert into more precious dividends. As one woman observed while redirecting her sexual energy through Karezza (see below): “This is similar to a principle of physics, actually. High potential energy states are considered “unstable” because there is a tendency to return very suddenly to a low-energy state, resulting in a large release of heat. The energy is more useful if it can be converted in a more controlled manner.” 
“Our culture’s enthusiasm for limitless orgasm is reminiscent of an infant discovering its genitals. A baby’s delight in its potential for unrestricte dsexual arousal (without the interference of its rational brain) is understandable, but unrealistic. Or bodies (and brains) may simply not be designed for so much unusually potent sexual stimulation. At the same time, the media’s sexual promises, combined with the relationship stagnation that Cupid’s poison often causes, leave many of us feeling like we’re missing out on something vital if we aren’t determinedly pursuing orgasm.”
— Marnia Robinson, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow
Narcissism is, as Narcissism does…
Our genetic drive to procreate is entirely selfish and intent on finding the right mate to perpetuate our genes. Again, it cares nothing for our higher sensibilities nor the carnage which ensues when mercenary needs for procreation meets the pair-bonding love and intimacy. You might as well put an ultra-conservative and social justice warrior in a bed together and expect harmony. Yet, opposites do attract provided we can extract the best from their respective passions to produce an overall equilibrium.
The elevation of the mating instinct over bonding instincts reduces coherence and order in favour of confusion and chaos. This is very advantageous to Establishment power structures that rely on a disempowered and divided populace. If sexual energy is our personal generator of creativity then it can only benefit those who have everything to gain to see that humanity remains disconnected from that source and the capacity to transform society from the promise of a reliable homeostasis and harmony to a continuous unbridled consumption and the inevitable separation from the purpose of sexual energy: freedom of the spirit.
Everything in society mirrors the essential misuse of sexual energy. And all manner of soul qualities which need refined, subtle energies of sexual plenitude to grow, have no chance to reach optimum “mass” to foster transformation. What we are talking about here is the focus on sexual activities which at their root, can only be described as normalised narcissism and service to self. And this is the Official Culture of addiction our brains have been contoured to not only accept as normative behaviours but to revel in it despite the continuing rise in mental illness.
Here is what I wrote in The Rise of Narcissism and the Loss of Meaning III:
“…Bruce K. Alexander, Professor Emeritus, at the Simon Fraser University in Canada sees “a poverty of the spirit” that now characterises interpretations of addiction in general. He sees the word “addiction” as having undergone a: “kidnap[ing] in the 19th century by medical and moralistic interest groups, who gave it a new meaning. Their medical and moralistic approaches to defining and eliminating the problem of addiction failed abysmally. Despite obvious failure, their approaches have coalesced in recent decades as a doctrine which is, I submit, properly called the ‘Official View of Addiction.’” Alexander contends further that the: “…stultifying presence of the Official View stands in the way of a rigorous, scholarly examination of addiction. It therefore leaves the world subjected to a truly menacing addiction problem that has been rendered incomprehensible. I submit that, in cases like this, murder is a lesser evil than the continued existence of a pernicious Official View.”
And placing The Grand Master Orgasm as a major jewel in the crown of material science and culture is to keep us trapped in the animal mating cycle with no hope of connecting to that which transcends both.
As German author Ariadne von Schirach opined:
“People who spend much of their time sitting in front of a computer with their trousers down or their skirts up have little time or interest left for relationships … Ninety-nine per cent of men and eight-six per cent of women [masturbate] regularly. And, in the last thirty years, masturbation among women has increased by fifty per cent. … Women have become a more horrific version of men, readily expressing their displeasure over lack of sexul compliance. Men have become more insecure and have fled to the internet. Both are approaching a state of narcissistic luancy, and solidarity is something that seems attainable only among friends.”
And when we have friends there is a temporary respite from this”naricissistic luancy” predicated on the absence of furnace-like temperatures of reward arousal. When we seek the pleasure principle of orgasm as the primary aim of satisfaction in our sexual relationships; where self-gratification is seen as an overriding right; where the outcome of sexual satiety conforms to a very flawed Darwinist doctrine that saturates dog-eat-dog economics of energy…Are we not constantly re-playing an image of ourselves trapped in the mirror of misinformation rather than liberation? If sexual satiety equals emotional friction those in a relationship seldom see the clues unless taking the time to experiment. Those who are not sexually active and without a partner are seldom aware of the pitfalls in sexual satiety once they achieve it. The probability that they will lose a loving and sexually fulfilling interaction as quickly as they found it, is the unfortunate irony that plagues many.
What is sexual gratification, habitually practised, other than a form of culturally mandated narcissism?
“I want an orgasm” is the same contractile consuming quality of service to self, whereas I want to connect, share and disburse the energy I have within me is service to others. The latter opens up the opportunity to plug in to a Universal generator that gifts life itself as ecstatic, thus completing the “circuit” and a return of that “sacrifice” two-fold.
Erte Alphabet from andrejkoymasky.com
“With bond-based love-making, the focus is on comfort, not hunger. Instead of diving in and swimming toward each other like barracudas , lovers hold hands and stroll leisurely into the ocean together. They allow the rewards of deep connection to ease sexual tension. … The Karezza Method … leads to complete dissipation of congestion, complete discharge of nervous surplus, complete relief from sexual tension, and more complete satisfaction than orgasm.”
— Marnia Robinson, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow
Bonding behaviours and Karezza
Bonding has been given a disastrous second place in the fortunes of the human race. Virtual reality and the advances in artificial intelligence is only going to widen the distance between authentic human intimacy. It is the result of all manner of influences both natural and unnatural, which have delivered a surfeit of pleasure at the cost of a more “sacred” view of sexuality. The benefits could extend across societies in ways which would address a variety of ills.
The right use to our sexual energy underpins almost all human endeavour. Thus it is no surprise when sexual energy and our knowledge of its place in our minds and bodies is misunderstood, then it’s hardly surprising that simplicity, conservation and economy is absent in our cultures. To return to a state of sexual equilibrium means to understand our biological machine and the ways in which its genetic impulse to fertilise and maximize mating behaviours is ruling our lives. With such a different focus of attention, very likely, a large proportion of our mental illnesses, our compulsions and gaps in awareness would be at least, be much improved.
Marnia Robinson’s “Ecstatic Exchanges” offer “a way to move beyond the habit of using sex as a mood-altering device that leads to satiety, and focus on the comforts of harmony.”  They provide an alternative to the mating program by addressing the natural bonding behaviours deeply rooted in millions of year of evolution. These bonding cues are as follows:
- holding, or spooning, each other in stillness for at least twenty minutes to a half-hour
- wordless sounds of contentment and pleasure
- stroking with intent to comfort
- massaging with intent to comfort, especially feet, shoulders and head
- hugging with intent to comfort
- lying with your ear over your partner’s heart and listening to his or her heartbeat for several moments
- touching and sucking of nipples/breasts
- gently placing your palm over your lover’s genitals with intent to comfort
- providing a service or treat without being asked
- giving unsolicited approval, via smiles or compliments
- gazing into each other’s eyes for several moments
- listening intently, and restating what you hear
- forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless remark, whether past or present
- preparing your partner something to eat
- synchronized breathing
- kissing with lips and tongues
- gentle intercourse
- cradling, or gently rocking, your partner’s head and torso (works well on a couch, or with lots of pillows)
- making time together at bedtime a priority (even if one partner has to get up and work on something afterward) 
From Marnia Robinson’s and her husband Gary Wilson’s website:
Karezza is a gentle, affectionate form of intercourse in which orgasm is not the goal, and ideally does not occur in either partner while making love. Karezza gained its name from Alice Bunker Stockham, MD at the end of the nineteenth century. She based the name on the Italian word carezza, meaning “caress.” Stockham was initially inspired by the work of John Humphrey Noyes, who taught a concept he called, Male Continence, in which men opt to avoid ejaculation when conception is not desired. However, Stockham encouraged both partners to pass up orgasm, insisting that the practice is neither “male” nor “female.” 
A few points regarding what Karezza is and isn’t.
Karezza is not “regular sex” but slow, relaxed intercourse without orgasm. Heating up each via foreplay with a view to inducing orgasm doesn’t work with Karezza since it goes in the opposite direction to what is trying to be achieved: sustainable bonding and lasting love without suppression of orgasm or the need for demanding sexual performance. When this is carried out properly, sexual tension is actually relieved and heightens sensitivity to subtle pleasures so that gentle intercourse becomes increasingly pleasurable and the practice itself becomes effortless.
The effects are subtle, cumulative and results in a much closer and nourishing union between two people, potentially impervious to the unknown.* Karezza makes it easier to forgive oneself and others for past relationships chaos. It increases optimism and gratitude for life whilst helping us to live in the present. And it is here that we come back to a unit of consciousness working together to produce an alchemical transformation for both. It is the purification of sexual energy as a “sacred” conductor and transducer for higher states of consciousness.
Notice too, that this method is both simplicity and economy personified. When you organise and conserve sexual energy it has enormous repercussions across the whole breadth of your life – from perception to will power. As Robinson states: “Once I transitioned to Karezza, I required less stimulation to enjoy every aspect of my life. By avoiding the intense peaks of orgasm, I had enhanced my sensitivity. Simple pleasures were all around me…” 
Do you see how all this is beginning to connect across the whole panorama of the 31 suggestions?
Cultivation of sexual energy is akin to re-tiling the Well of the spinal channel and the conduit to the soul. It is the re-growing of our “eaten” awareness by the cosmic eagle and the vampire moon, it is reclaiming our energy from the mechanical pull of organic life and creating love as a nourishing practice that draws together not just a unit of consciousness, but shared amongst all who come into contact with its radiance. And it is here that a redefinition of community might be in order. What would such a clustering of individuals might look like when co-linear in belief and sexual intent?
The take away from all this is not to infer that relationships are ALL about biology and that social/personality influences don’t exist. Knowledge about our mating program in combination with our work on our natural emotional resonance is necessary to experience a fulfiling relationship. Without awareness of how our biology and cultural programming can interfere with the bonding potential then we will end up swimming in a soup of conflicting signals.
In the final post on simplicity and economising energy we will see how we can make all this work for us in the material world. We’ll talk more on this subject in No. 29 Love (Even if it’s your pet iguana).
“From space, astronauts can see people making love as a tiny speck of light. Not light, exactly, but a glow that could be mistaken for light–a coital radiance that takes generations to pour like honey through the darkness to the astronaut’s eyes.
In about one and a half centuries–after the lovers who made the glow will have long been laid permanently on their backs–metropolises will be seen from space. They will glow all year. Smaller cities will also be seen, but with great difficulty. Shtetls will be virtually impossible to spot. Individual couples, invisible.
The glow is born from the sum of thousands of loves: newlyweds and teenagers who spark like lighters out of butane, pairs of men who burn fast and bright, pairs of women who illuminate for hours with soft multiple glows, orgies like rock and flint toys sold at festivals, couples trying unsuccessfully to have children who burn their frustrated image on the continent like the bloom a bright light leaves on the eye after you turn away from it.
Some nights, some places are a little brighter. It’s difficult to stare at New York City on Valentine’s Day, or Dublin on St. Patrick’s. The old walled city of Jerusalem lights up like a candle on each of Chanukah’s eight nights…We’re here, the glow…will say in one and a half centuries. We’re here, and we’re alive.”
― Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated
* = There is an enormous amount of information which I can’t hope cover here. So, I’d highly recommend you purchase Marnia Robinson’s book as well as excepts and an edition now available in French. You can gain further knowledge, guidance and support by visiting their website at Reuniting: Healing With Sexual Relationships.
 ‘The Power of the Brain’ The Physics Textbook | https://hypertextbook.com/facts/2001/JacquelineLing.shtml
 ‘Brain Battery’ By Ryan Jones, http://www.knowingneurons.com, December 14, 2012| https://knowingneurons.com/2012/12/14/brain-battery/
 ‘Why Does the Brain Need So Much Power? – New study shows why the brain drains so much of the body’s energy’ By Nikhil Swaminathan, Scientific American,